Yesterday was not a day for celebration. Yesterday, April 6th, was a day for apologies to Charlie. I’m not sure which Charlie deserves these apologies or what the purpose of Sorry Charlie Day is, but, hey, it’s an obscure holiday; probably no one knows. I came up with a list of Charlie’s to apologize to, so here are my top three:
1) Dear Charlie the Unicorn,
I’m sorry for your constant misfortune with the questionable blue and pink unicorn brothers (or sisters, it really isn’t clear). It is quite lamentable that you have lost your kidney, material possessions, trademark horn (unichorn?) to this pair of jesters. I’m also sorry that you have to go through ridiculous situations and quests without any of them going to fruition. The banana king’s crown and Candy Mountain were nearly in your grasp. Most importantly, I am sorry for showing your videos to all of my friends and spreading your humiliation. Schadenfreude…
2) Dear Charlie (bit my finger), I’m sorry that you have the need to bite your brother’s finger while your parents video-tape you. Disregarding your young age, you obviously have a disorder which compels you to bite fingers. Your life will be full of hardship trying to fight these urges, but you must resist! On the plus side, though, you’ll be able to get into any college you want because you are an international sensation (due to the magic of YouTube). Plus, girls love child stars with British accents. Just look at Freddie Highmore.
3) Dear Charlie Sheen,
I’m sorry for all of the negative publicity you are receiving, just because you are brave enough to tell everyone the truth. You should not be ashamed of having tiger blood running through your veins, nor should you be modest when it comes to telling everyone that you are a winner. Winners win, and, as a result, they must tell everyone that they are winners, resulting in a winning situation for them. Keep your head up, Charlie Sheen, for better days, without warlocks, will come, and the tiger-blooded will rise.